I love the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” – for the purpose of the topic at hand, I would like to expand it to

“It takes two villages to raise a bilingual child”.

This is of course not strictly true, but it does describe the need for extra resources and support networks that a multilingual family often needs to be successful at bringing up the next generation to speak the family languages.

Every family defines their own goals and others should respect this choice. In my writing, I do my best to stay positive and concentrate on ways to move towards the language and fluency goals parents have for their kids, whatever they may be.

Sometimes it is, however, good to reflect on the past, to learn for the future. This post is based on comments from families where the children have grown up to only speak the majority language. For the record, these children are normal, happy, well-rounded individuals, so the world has not fallen apart, nor have the children failed at school or missed out on deep family relationships.

What I did notice, though, was an underlying tone of regret in the parents’ responses, and I would like to say the following to these and other parents who think they could have done something differently in the past:

At any point in time, we make the best possible decisions based on the information we have and the circumstances we are in. If you were to go back in time, you would do exactly the same, since you thought it was the right thing to do, and maybe were not aware of some relevant facts you know now. Enjoy the present and make the best of it. Share your experience with others and help where you can.

This is what parents shared with me when asked why they think they came to raise a monolingual child in a multilingual family.

Not even trying

“We didn’t try”
Some parents made a conscious decision to stick to one language only. Parents’ reasons for choosing the only-one-language option were based on either myths about multilingual families, limiting beliefs about the parents’ own abilities to pass on a language or others’ opinions. None of those has to be a reason not to give a child the gift of speaking more than one language.

Giving up

“It was just too much hassle”
Certain parents did decide to try to pass on their languages but gave up when things did not go according to plan. As we all know, very little goes according to the first plan as far as raising children goes. Bringing up a bilingual child is no different – but there is always plan B, C, D and the rest of the alphabet. When setting off on the journey of a multilingual family, it is important to be realistic and not to get disheartened if you encounter a problematic situation. Reach out to the villages! Speak to other parents, ask experts, read a book about the topic – there is plenty of help at hand to support you through the difficult times. It can be done!

Starting too late

“We were waiting for the right time to start”
Other parents were advised to first let their child learn one language properly, and introduce the second one later. Sequential bilingualism is fine as long as the parents are aware of the implications – not only for the child, but more so for themselves. Let’s say parents decide to wait until the child is four or five to introduce the other language. Given the right amount of exposure to the language, a child will become fully fluent. By this time the family is however used to speaking one language only and one parent will have to change a deeply rooted habit. This is not easy to do and the temptation to give up will be far greater than if the parent had spoken the language since the child was born. Making a change in a family’s language habits takes a lot of effort and commitment – I know, I have done it.

Thinking you can’t do it as others have failed

“Most other families we knew had failed”
When you are surrounded by other families whose children did not grow up to become active speakers of the family’s minority language, it is easy to think that you are faced with an impossible task. It can put serious doubts in your mind about whether you will succeed. However, since you are thinking about this ahead of time, you have an advantage as you can take measures to make sure you stay on track towards your goal of passing on your family’s languages to your children. Ensuring enough varied language exposure for your offspring and staying consistent in your own language use are the foundation of your success.

Believing you don’t know your language well enough

“I wasn’t fluent enough in the language”
There is a common misconception that a bilingual must have a near perfect command of his or her languages – this is very rarely the case. The language dominance differs depending on which area of your life you use your languages. If you have grown up as a bilingual but feel that you don’t know one of your languages as well as the other and therefore think you shouldn’t use that language with your children. Don’t let this stop you – if you make sure that your children get exposure to the language from other speakers as well, they will grow up to speak it well. What will also happen is that your own skills will improve!

Assuming that you need teaching skills to succeed

“I am not a teacher, I don’t know how to instruct my child”
Of some reason parents sometimes feel that they ought to have teaching skills to be able to bring up a child to become bilingual. If you were to try to teach your children a language you don’t know, then yes, but as long as you are passing on your own language, you just need to speak it, adhere to a certain amount of consistency in speaking it and make sure they get enough exposure to it. Small children acquire the second family language in the same way as they do the first one, no special teaching required.

Being afraid that you will confuse your child

“I thought switching between languages would confuse my child”
Although research has consistently shown the opposite, there are still claims that a child could get confused if more than one language is spoken in the home. Your children might mix their languages for a short period of time, but they will soon learn to separate between them. They will also not become confused about their cultural identity, on the contrary, they will have the perfect tools to explore both/all sides of the family heritage.

Thinking that you will feel left out

“I didn’t want my child to learn a language I don’t understand”
There are cases where a family has given up on the thought of raising a bilingual child due to one parent worrying that they won’t be able to communicate with their child. Since a child usually initially spends more time with the mother this concern is one that has been expressed by fathers-to-be who do not know their partner’s mother tongue. Sometimes also grandparents are afraid to miss out if their grandchild learns the “other” language first. It is an understandable worry to have: you want to make sure you can bond as well as possible with the little one and communication is a vital part of the process. The fact is, though, that small children learn to speak over a fairly long period of time and it is possible learn alongside them. In any case, soon the child will speak both languages. Giving him the wonderful gift of being bilingual is certainly worth everyone’s effort.

Believing it will just happen

“We took it for granted that the kids would learn both languages”.
Some children are fortunate to grow up in and environment that is ideal for becoming bilingual – I can count myself as one of these lucky people. This is, however, by far not the case for every family. Being aware of the potential pitfalls and making sure your children get enough and consistent, interactive exposure to their languages is vital to keep the languages alive.

Immersion

The most frequently mentioned tip was definitely to immerse your child in the language you want him or her to speak more of. Note that you can use the immersion technique in many different ways and it can be for shorter time spans as well as for longer time periods.

Maria from Trilingual Mama: “Immerse your child in a deep pool of rich language, be patient.” I love all her suggestions and especially the one to take frequent walks in nature and use these moments for deep talks and new vocabulary.

Reserve certain times of the day solely for the lesser spoken language – Frances from Discovering the World Through My Son’s Eyes calls this setting a ‘Language boundary’: “This eventually led to full conversations in the minority language, and it’s the ‘secret’ language that my child and I use.” She also recommends travelling, playdates and creating a “text-rich home environment”, not forgetting more structured language programmes and bilingual schools, where they are available.

Marianna from Bilingual Avenue encourages you to make it a habit to talk as much as possible with your child: “‘Say What You See’ when playing with your child to influence their vocabulary input and you are likely to see a great deal of impact on the level of motivation” – I am a great believer in this easy-to-implement strategy!

Books & Reading

Books are a very effective way of enhancing your child’s knowledge of a language, I couldn’t agree more with everyone who had reading at the top of their list of suggestions.

Lisa from Cooking with Languages says it perfectly: “Reading books, suitable for your child’s level of language, is a fabulous way to expand their vocabulary and understanding of that language.”

Not only is reading beneficial for the overall mastering of the language but, as Maria says, it “helps emergent readers make the connection between spoken language and the symbols on the page.”

Emotional attachment & Need

For a child to make a language his or her own and to want to speak it, there should be an emotional attachment to it and a need to use it in the day-to-day life. When Frances’s son wanted to speak to his friends, he “had a reason to speak the minority language.”

Olena from Bilingual Kids Rock has written a very insightful post on what actually motivates us and our kids, and I love the conclusion: “It’s not rational understanding but emotional experience that motivates adults and children to take an action.” If we really want something, we find a way to achieve it!

I certainly played on my daughter’s heartstrings when I looked for ways for her to embrace Swedish! Pricken – the Swedish-speaking kitten to the rescue! Caution – this certainly won’t work for everyone, you need to find your kid’s very own “kitten”: “Think carefully about what is important (or fun!) for your child, put yourself in their shoes, then find a way to make this motivator part of the language learning and use.”

Play & Fun

“Minkä ilotta oppii, sen surutta unohtaa” is a Finnish proverb which means: ”What you learn without joy, you have no trouble forgetting” Nothing can be truer for a child learning to appreciate, love and use a language. Make language learning fun and engaging for your kids!

Ilze from Let the Journey Begin points out the importance of incorporating play and activities when encouraging your children to learn a language: “I believe it is especially important for children to learn by experiencing various things and by trying everything out by themselves.”

Galina from Raising Trilingual Children agrees and gives many great ideas on how to motivate different age groups: “give your child what he enjoys the most and what he is interested in.” Giving your children their own notebook where they can practice their language skills is a great idea!

Technology

Many of us have learnt our languages purely from our parents or at school, but today there is a lot of technology that can help you on the way. Use free online video connections to stay in touch with family and friends and keep the languages going – or find your child’s favourite cartoons on YouTube (in the right language, of course!)

Ayesha from Words ‘n’ Needles has successfully used a language app with her kids: “Whatever language you are focusing on, show your child poems, conversations, cartoons or mini documentaries in that language.” Which language could you introduce to your kids this way?

PULL – don’t PUSH

Getting your children to want to speak a language does however not only depend on motivators specific to the kids’ own interests, wants and needs. Being the right kind of role model and language promotor for your kids can not be underestimated, and I am happy that so many of my friends picked up on this. Your parenting skills will allow you to pull your children towards a language, without pushing!

“Ignore them!” is the surprising advice given by Esther from Third Culture Mama, but it all makes sense: “I believe that it’s important for kids to see how much their mother enjoys language learning but also, that can involve courage and self-discipline” and “Inevitably, your own natural passion for language will be contagious and grow in them a beautiful thirst for learning and using their weaker language(s).”

Elisabeth from Spanish Mama has gone to great lengths to be able to bring up her child in a language which is not her mother tongue, and we can all take a leaf out of her book and implement her ideas: “raising my children in Spanish as a non-native speaker is a decision I’ve never regretted. The gift of bilingualism is worth the sacrifice.”

Varya from Creative World of Varya has found that her children actually do pick up the language, even when she thinks nothing is sticking: “unconsciously I have been actually helping my children become interested in their mother tongue, which has become the minority language.”

Lisa makes and important point: “We know not to push too hard. We are taking our time and every little step in an achievement.” I fully agree with Galina when she writes that “being motivated yourself is a part of successfully raising bilingual /trilingual children”. We have to be the role models for a positive learning experience – and we have to stick with it, like Frances says: “If there is one thing that I’ve learned during our language learning is to follow the three P’s: patience, persistence, and perseverance as my child develops fluency in the second language.”

DON’T STRESS

Whatever you do, please be kind to yourself and don’t pile on the pressure as a parent. If you are stressed out about how your kids are progressing, you will also struggle to motivate them in a fun and natural way.

If there is only one thing that you take away from this article, listen to Annabelle from The Piri Piri Lexicon: “Read all the wonderful tips you can find. Try a few. Don’t give up. But don’t stress yourself about language. You are doing your best. In the great scheme of things, there are so many important things in life.”

This is the time of year when we are all encouraged to make resolutions to improve different aspects of our lives. As parents of bilingual kids we are no exception to the expectation of making promises to change our behaviour to ensure that our children grow up to be bilingual. However, apparently only 8% of all resolutions are kept! I would certainly want you to have better odds than that, so what to do instead?

Define your goals for your children’s language skills

What is your expectation about how well your bilingual kids should be able to speak the language? There is a big difference in whether you would want them to be able to communicate in everyday situations or whether your goal is for them to be able to read and write and also express themselves in more academic situations. These two fluency levels have been defined by Jim Cummins as Basic Interpersonal Communication Skills – BICS and Cognitive Academic Language Proficiency – CALP

If you are going for the latter, then you will need to invest considerably more time or alternatively arrange some formal tuition for your child’s minority language. For basic communication skills, you should make sure your child gets enough exposure to the language – either from you or other sources.

You may also decide that it is enough for your child to be able to understand a language (receptive bilingualism) so not to feel left out in social situations where the language is spoken. This is a perfectly valid goal, if this is what you think is doable. Your children will still get a foundation in the language which can be worked on later in life.

Choose the family language strategy that works for you

There are several different ways for how to pass on family languages – read my previous posts on each one of them and (if you haven’t already done so) select the one which feels right for you.

One parent, one language (OPOL)
Minority language at home (mL@H)
Time and place (T&P)
Two parents, two languages (2P2L)

Be realistic about what you can and cannot do

There is no point in making a resolution to read for X number of hours with your child if your circumstances do not allow for this. Do you have a relative who could read a book with your child over Skype? Could they make a recording of a book that your child could listen to while following the text or pictures in the book?

Instead of big resolutions, make small adjustments to your daily routines which do not require significant changes. If you feel that your child needs more exposure to your language, start by giving a “running commentary” on what you are doing, be it when you are out and about, in the shop, cooking, working in the garden or playing a game. The more topics you can bring in the better. No need to change what you do, just talk more while you do it with your child.

If what you have the time and energy for does not tally up with what level of fluency you would like your children to achieve, then ask for ideas and look for resources that can help you. You are not alone, and by speaking with other parents in the same situation, you can get a lot of help and advice. However, remember to listen to others’ opinions with a what-works-for-us filter – every family is different. Should you want tailored family language coaching, please do get in touch.

What has worked in the past?

When have you noticed that your child has made good progress with their language skills? Can you do more of this? Can you arrange more one-to-one time with other speakers of the language? Would it be possible to stay somewhere where the locals speak the language? Can you find more of the type of books or comics that your child loves?

Building on what has been successful in the past is a lot easier than trying to create new routines – concentrate on an activity that you know your children will love, then incorporate the language into it. Trying to speak a language for the sake of it is rarely successful – the communication should be natural and it should “make sense” for your child.

Stick with it

Persistence and patience are the two most important virtues of parents raising bilingual children. Even when it feels that you are not making progress and are not sure if what you are doing is right, stick with it. I know from many other families as well as my own experience that not giving up is crucial – your kids WILL thank you in the end!

Most advice for parents raising bilingual children is based on the presumption that there are two parents actively involved in the upbringing. What if you are a single parent and don’t have the support of a partner – can it still be done? This is a question that has been put to me quite a few times, hence today’s post.

I know some experts discourage single parents from attempting to raise bilingual children, as it is not an easy task. Things to take into consideration are:

Will you be the person passing on the minority language?
If yes, how much time will you be able to spend with your child?
Will sticking to the chosen language cause extra pressure for you?

I am stating the obvious here, but being a single parent is not an easy thing to do at the best of times, so you need to be realistic about what you can take on. There are a lot of benefits in becoming bilingual for your child, but a highly stressed-out parent due to additional pressure from chosen common language is a very high price to pay for it. However, if you feel passionate about it and, after taking the above into account, it is doable. I also believe that you can do it and commend you for it. It will take a fair amount of determined commitment, a lot of your time, some help from others and maybe a bit of money, depending on the circumstances.

As with two-parent families there are also different language set-ups for single-parent families. Each scenario will need its unique approach.

Bilingual, single parent

If you speak two languages (one of which is the majority language of where you live) and want to pass on both of them to your child, the best (and arguably easiest) option is to speak the minority language with your child. Although you know both languages, it is better to only speak the minority one with your child, as this is the one for which there will be less exposure available. Your child will learn the language of the community by the latest in nursery or school. You would be using the minority language at home (mL@H) approach.

If you speak two minority languages and want to pass on them both of them, then you should set some structure to how you speak the languages with your child, i.e. us the time and place (T&P) strategy. You can alternate languages based on time (e.g. every other day, week or fortnight) or place (e.g. at home and outside the home or different rooms of the home). A word of caution though, this is a tough regime to follow, and you need to be really committed and determined to go through with it.

Monolingual, minority language single parent

If you move to a different language environment with your child, you might find that you are the only person that regularly speaks your language with your little one. You will most likely be working, so the time you spend with your child is restricted to evenings and days off. Should you give up on your language and support your child in learning the local language?

A solid foundation in the home language is the best support for learning an additional one, so the advice is to keep speaking your familiar language with your child. A move is a big change for both adults and children, so changing the language you have communicated in until now is not to be recommended. Should you switch to the majority language, it is highly likely that your child learn to understand but possibly not speak the minority language.

Depending on the age of your child there are different ways you can give your support. A child under the age about seven will pick up the local language fairly quickly once immersed in it in nursery or school and grow up to speak the language accent-free. You can prepare your child by watching children’s programmes and cartoons in the language together before you move. For older children, look for online tuition, some of which you can find for free on educational and governmental websites. The more costly option is to enrol your child in a language course or to arrange private tuition.

Monolingual, majority language single parent

What to do if you become a single parent of a child which has had a bilingual start in life, and you don’t know the minority language your child is still learning? In this scenario you will need some help from others to keep the minority language active in your child’s life. If you still have a good relationship with the other parent’s family, ask them to support you by spending time with your child and helping you with materials such as books, magazines and DVDs.

If this is not a viable option, look for a child minder who can speak the language, possibly an au pair. Try to arrange play dates with other children speaking the language. If your child is a bit older, look for weekend or evening classes in the language. If you are lucky, there might even be an immersion classes available at your local school. What you could also consider, is to learn the language alongside your child – I know, not an easy task to take on, but something you might want to think about if your are truly passionate about retaining the language.

I wish you all the best in your quest to bring up a bilingual child. And if it doesn’t quite go as planned, remember that some additional language skill is still a lot better than none – a receptive knowledge (aka passive skill) is a lot easier to turn into an actively used language than learning a language from scratch.